My new friend, Wild Bill

I placed my order for my custom pads last night. Around 2:30 PM today, I got an email from the owner of Pro-Designed, Inc. asking me to give him a call or to email him my phone number.

I gave him call right back because I want my pads. I spent the next 38 minutes on the phone with my new friend, Wild Bill. That's him over there in that picture. I borrowed that from his site, I hope that's OK. It's all in love.

He assured me that I didn't have the biggest girl calves he's ever seen (21 inches), but I might be the heaviest one. But he only asks because he has to, to make sure that I add an extra cap to my pads. He doesn't want me to get hurt. But he knows to not usually ask a lady that question. And he'd never tell another person my name if he talked about my pads and how much I weigh.

He told me a bunch of stories about his client of 20 years, Tony Hawk, who is a totally great guy by the way, Texas roller derby, his recent hospital stay because of a bad toe injury, his 25 pound dog who eats the lining out of car doors, and how girls are much cooler than boys in general. I love this dude. He was totally cracking me up.

He obviously loves what he does, and wanted to make sure that his product worked for me. He added a buckle feature (don't really know that that is, but if said I needed it I'm sure I do), and gave me great instructions about fixing the extra knee cap protector.

Wild Bill obviously has a reverence for roller girls and I dig that. And he said he wouldn't want to skate against me, so he bets everyone would want me on my team.

You had me at 21 inch calves, Wild Bill.

Slamazon saved by Seattle Duo

My fabulous friend Sandi has a girlfriend Greta who is a fabulous skateboarder. Together, they dragged me out of my protecitve gear pit of whining and self-doubt. With one little URL, they showed me a place where they custom fit elbow and knee pads. I just placed my order with Pro-Designed, Inc.

In 3 to 5 days, I will have an amazing set of pads that will fit me perfectly. No tugging, no limbs turning purple, no cursing the 12 year old boys that the pads are built for.

Greta also turned me on to Gravity Sports outside of Seattle that fits lots of larger people and is currently serving many Rat City Rollergirls. Dave, who I assume is completely rad, offered to check out my skates if I came up for a fitting. And offered to try to fit over the phone if I couldn't make it up there. I'm going with custom this time around, but all of my other business will go to Gravity. No question.

Thank you, my dear friends in Seattle. You pulled me out of a funk from 200 miles away and I adore you both.

Down

So they make knee pads for babies and not for fat girls? Color me bitter.

Dang, I am really letting this pads-are-too-small thing get me down. I *know* it's not that big of a deal, but it feels like a slap in the face for some reason. Well, more like a face rub in the dirt.

Oh, you think you can do roller derby, fat girl? Hope that fat protects you REAL good, because we're not going to let you have any knee pads that fit! HA!

I'm not going to dwell on this for more than 24 hours (well maybe 26.5) and that's coming up really soon. I dropped a couple more pounds this week, so I'm on my way.

I'll keep forging ahead, keep it up at the gym, keep eating well. Because this fat girl is going to do roller derby, pads be DAMNED!

Are my arms supposed to be that color?

You know, all I want to do is fall over and not hurt myself. I want to skid on my knees, fall on my butt, and knock my elbows. Why, oh why, does all the pain have to come when I'm putting my pads on? I know I am not a small girl. Why do my pads have to be tourniquets? My elbow pads are so tight that my arms, from elbow down, turned bright red. The straps hurt more than falling on the pavement did. My movement is limited in my knee pads. It's more annoying than anything else.

I'm in shape enough to start trying this stuff, and I'm limited by equipment. Guess I'll just have to lose some more weight by try-outs. I'll do it, I just wish it fit and I could practice more now.

Oh a happy note, the parking lot across the street is really smooth when I skate further into it. And I'm feeling really good just skating around.

Derby Day After

It was derby night last night. We got there a little after 5, and it was already crowded. People must be lining up before 5. That is so, so cool. We ended up getting really good seats in the front row again. We might try sitting in the floor next time. Seeing the action up close is great.
I couldn't believe the change in speed from last bout to this one. The pack must have been moving twice as fast. Lots more penalties, lots more action.

A couple of skaters really stood out to me for their style. Dang, if I could skate like Goody Twoskates on the High Rollers. She's unbelievable. It doesn't matter what position she's playing, she's an important part of every jam. She's always in the action. And she skates SO hard. Soul Train from the Heartless Heathers was incredible too. She always had her eyes on the action. Constantly looking over her shoulder, seeing what's playing out, and effecting the play. They are both totally strategic players. And spent a bit of time in the penalty box, which I enjoyed as well. When you skate hard, things happen.

Happy birthday to me!

Derby time and birthday

Ah, the big 33 tomorrow. I'm ready for the birthday fun. Don't tell anybody, but I'm almost more excited about the derby on Saturday than I am about my birthday. I'm keeping that to myself because I don't want to miss out on any presents.

I woke up this morning, got dressed for the gym, and made it to the front door. I felt like utter junk. Coughing, shaky and clammy. I made the exec decision to go back to bed. I am not surprised that I'm getting birthday sick. It happens a lot. Well, for the past 4 years at least.

After 2 more hours of sleep, I slogged my way to work and made it through the day. I hope I'm feeling better tomorrow. I actually missed going to the gym and feeling alive at work this morning. don't tell anybody about that either.

Coming out

When I tell people about derby now and how I'm going to do it, I really believe it. Now I know that I'll do whatever it takes and wait if I don't make it the first time. I won't give up on this.

I was telling an old boss/friend about it over dinner tonight. I get so excited when I talk about derby. I can clearly articulate why I want to do it and what I think it will do for me. There is no ambivilence about it what-so-ever.

I can't remember the last time I felt this passionate about something. It's within my reach and I can make it happen. It's so real. On the flipside, this also makes it very scary. But most of the time it's more exciting than scary.

Whining 8 year old on the inside

I fought myself every minute at the gym this morning. After every set, after every interval, I wanted to leave. I wanted to stop. I was crabby and whiny, and probably had a horrid pout on my face. I hated every second of it. But I finished.

Upon my arrival home, after I left the gym dragging my feet, muttering under my breath and kicking dirt, I was such a little pain in the ass that I was whining in my head about having to put socks on. Stupid socks! So If anyone is missing a whiny 8 year old, I think I know where she is.

On the flip side, I was laughing at myself and amused at my own crankiness. I've actually been a little too gung-ho about the gym, so it's good to see that I can have a day where I so don't want to be there, and I still go and finish. That would not have happened in the past.

And on a happy note, how rad is that roller skate necklace? I found it at Laura Bee Designs in Seattle. I had to get a bag from there too. It's by birthday on Friday after all. I'll be turning 9.

Early to bed

I've started falling asleep between 8:30 and 9:30 pretty much every night. I'm no night owl, but this is just a bit odd. I guess it's a good thing and I'm just listening to my body, but I'm feeling like my life outside of work and the gym is a bit limited. I'm popping out of bed at 5:45 though.

All of the hard work is paying off. I was on the treadmill for 40 minutes this morning doing some pretty tough interval work. I dropped another couple of pounds this week. I'm putting a lot of good food in my body. I was floored by the improvement in my skating yesterday.

Roller derby is the outcome, but this process is pretty amazing too.

That last line was cheesy. You know why? Because it's 7:55 and I'm freaking tired!

The days of the flying elbows

Anth and I watched Kansas City Bomber last night, a 1972 film starring Raquel Welch as KC Carr, that examines the trials and tribulations of a roller derby mama. We were pleasantly surprised when KC was almost immediately traded to the Portland Logger team. We tried to figure out some of the locations in Portland circa 1972. We managed to place her housboat right off the I205 bridge. And the old Multnomah County Expo Center looked pretty rad.

The Portland stuff was cool, but far from the highlight of the movie. It was all hot pants and flying elbows. Full of scheming greasy coaches, orchestrated drama and more fake punches than a pro-wrestling match. It's worth watching just to see the random selection of audience members they decide to feature during the matches. They either chose old women with no teeth making obscene gestures or little kids screeching at the tops of their lungs.

All of the other skaters featured in the movie were actual roller derby stars of the time. I read a bunch about them online this morning. Different city every night, setting up and tearing down the track, and back on the bus ot the next match. Hell of a lifestyle.

Anth and I went skating today. It's been three weeks since I skated at Oaks Park for the first time. I can't begin to tell you the difference. The first time I was there, my shins hurt really badly, and I had to sit down after 3 or 4 laps because I was exhausted. Today, I was out there for an hour straight with a couple of breaks for stretching, practicing stops, and practicing falling and getting up. I currently have a huge smile on my face. It felt so good.

Too early to worry

I'm already thinking about try-outs. This yet-to-be-named June evening is in my head a lot. Also some regrets that I didn't join, or know about, the league earlier when everybody who showed up could be a part of it.

What have I tried out for in the past and not made it? Cheerleading in sixth grade. That worked out to be just fine in the long run. I tried out for basketball instead and the rest is history. Fiddler on the Roof and Annie, in fourth and fifth grades respectively at the local community theater. I didn't take rejection that well back then. I couldn't understand what the people auditioning didn't see in me. I thought for sure they'd catch on to how fabulous I was in those 2 minutes.

I've managed to be relatively successful at everything I've really put my mind to. If I wasn't the best, as least I threw myself into it and had fun. I just don't know what to do with the wanting sometimes. I'm putting everything I have into my training. I'm doing really well with my eating, and I've consumed more fruits and vegetables this week than I did in the past month. I believe that I'm doing what I need to do right now.

I don't think I've been this passionate about something in a long time, and that scares me a little. I totally dig my life. The boy, the dog, my friends, my job. But there's something inside me compelling me to do this, and I hope I have my chance. I hope those girls see what I've put into this and everything I am willing to give.

Gym pouting and kilts

First, the dude at the left has nothing to do with skating. However, he was kind enough to put his stuff down on the street and pose for me today, that I figured I'd make a St. Paddy's day blog effort. So there you go. Happy green beer.

After hitting snooze a few times this morning, I was thisclose to just staying in bed and pushing the workout to the weekend. But no, I decided to drag myself to the gym. I arrrived, got all watered up and heart monitored and all the functioning treadmills were taken and 2 were broken. Rude. I had to do today's particular workout on the treadmill, so I pouted for a minute, grabbed my stuff and left.

I think I'm more annoyed with my denying my strong intuition to stay in bed (granted, I have this intuition daily) than I was with the gym situation. I'll just go tomorrow, no biggie. But how nice would that extra hour of sleep have been?

I met with trainer Britt today. I felt so much more confident going in to see her. Month 2 of my worrkouts looks great. Longer cardio sessions and much more weight work. Oh, and I'm going to spend time in the basement, with my skates on, sitting down and getting up. It'll help that I'm getting up without just having taken a big ol' fall.

My first fall

I totally biffed it in the parking lot skating after work yesterday. It was an easy fall, kind of slow motion. The skating gods were kind. I was totally good at falling. Getting up is another story.

Thank god I live on a dead-end street. My guess is that I got up in the worst way possible. Got the legs straigtened out, hands still on the ground. With my knees locked, I flung my torso upward and hoped for the best. Not smart. The derby gods had my back again, and I didn't just flop backward on my ass. I did a comical slap-sticky arms like propellors thing, and managed to keep myself upright. It was one of the most exhausting things I've ever done.

I put in a special request to my trainer today to work on falling over and getting up, repeatedly. I asked that I kindly not have to do that at the gym. I meet with her tomorrow to get my new workout routine. I'm just finishing up my third week of the first month of the program. 3 down, 17 more to go.

And my best friend Meg finally got internet access in her Brooklyn apartment. My darling love, reading my blog, 3,000 miles away.

RIP and thank you, Ann Calvello

One of the greatest, if not the greatest, women of roller derby passed away yesterday.

Ann Calvello was amazing. She skated in 7 decades. She was punk before it existed. She was the original "bad girl" of derby.

I think her for paving the way for me to skate. She'll be missed.

Belly Fire

Anth and I saw someone tonight who knows us really well, and who we haven't seen her since early January. She said to me "Something's really different about you. What's changed?" Hair, kinda. Glasses, no that's not it. Then I blurted out like an over excited 8 year old "I'm going to do roller derby!" Hell, yes. That's what she saw. My derby belly fire.

I did my new weight workout at the gym this morning. It was fine, barring the stepping up and down on the risers between exercises. Leg presses are much harder when your heart is pounding and your legs are burning.

I know it sounds corny, but when I'm struggling with something I look at my skate tattoo. It's really serving its purpose.

My boss said "Bye, Slamazon" when I was leaving work today. That was rad.

Get yer tickets!

Rose City Rollers tickets for the March 25th bout are on sale now. (I hope it's OK that I yoinked their poster image. My intentions are very pure). I swear, it will be the most entertaining 12 dollars you've ever spent. And if you see me there and whisper the words "Slamazon loves PBR" in my ear, I'll buy you one! Really. That's how much I want you all to go. And a plastic cup is $4.50. I'm not messing around. These girls put on an amazing event. I can't wait to be part of it...

I downloaded the Women's Flat Track Derby Association's (WFTDA) Minimum Skill Requirments from their Web site today. It's a pretty long checklist of skills, but very do-able eventually. It's good to know that they require all of those skills of everyone out on the track. Who knows if it's adhered to everywhere, but I could tell the Portland girls were serious about training and the safety of their people.

I really wanted to skate today and I thought I would make it home with enough light to hit the parking lot. But alas, a light rain started to fall as I was driving home. I think Anth and I will hit the ADULT ONLY (thank you baby jesus) skate at Oaks Park Thursday night.

I started my interval training at the gym today and start my new weight training routine tomorrow. Why is 5:45 am seeming earlier and earlier? I really hope I adjust soon. I am not my typical chipper self and I don't like it.

Poor, poor Chipper

Anth and I hit Oaks Park to skate today. Honestly, is it really a good idea to have that many children in one area, on wheels, hopped up on Icees and Red Vines? I don't think we'll ever do a Saturday 2pm skate again. It was clearing out by 3pm, so maybe it would be better if we went later.

I had it easy compared to Chipper. Poor Chipper, the squirrel mascot, was getting molested by sticky little hands at every turn. I wish someone would do an expose on the teenage mascot lifestyle. You know that the dude at Chuck E. Cheese has it even worse. Those kids are also exposed to animatronics and violent video games along with the sugar.

I felt great skating today. My new skates are super fast and I felt very agile. I know I've said it before, but I could not believe how exponentially more comfortable I felt today.

I practiced getting my speed up and a bunch of cross-overs. I tried some t-stops, but it was hard to find a clear area where I wouldn't potentially smoosh children.

My new mantra for skating is "Don't be timid". There is no time for that. I can be careful, but any smidge of timid has got to go. I need to start practicing my falls sometime soon. I've yet to have my first big crash and I know it's out there. I think I'm more scared of getting up after the fall.

Skate Crazy

Ugh, sick today. No work out, so sore throaty. But I did manage to make a lunch time run to Powells and picked up a gem of a book, Skate Crazy. It has rad graphics and stories about the golden age of skating. It's really all about the graphics. Oh, how I wish I can been a member of the Indiana Rolling Squirrels. Best logo ever.

I hope to be back on my feet and skating this weekend. It's time for Pinky and Tuscadero to make their rink debut.

After a restless night, the verdict is in

I'm glad I didn't try out last night. As much as I wanted to be out there, it would have not been a good idea for me. I lack endurance, time on skates, and strength right now. I would have been totally struggling out there. No question. That'll be me stretching someday.

But it was really difficult. I was envious of the comraderie that I saw starting already. I felt like the new kid at school at a 4th grade slumber party that somebody's mom made them invite me to. I talked to one of the roller girls and busted out my Slamazon pin. She was like "Um, where are you from?". Oh, just here. I'm an over excited dork trying to fit in. Awesome. Cripes. Note to self: keep self-promotional fantasy items under wraps next time.

I am very confident that when I try out in a few to a bunch of months, I'll be ready. I've removed a big hunk of the unknown for try-out time. I would have been really surprised by some of the drills. Watching people jump and fall was pretty intense. Those were some bad crashes. I want the team captains to watch me skate and write a big happy face by my name on the clipboard.

Quick try-out summary

I wanted to be out there skating so badly it hurt.

I let the 6 foot girl with size 12 feet borrow my new skates. They're a smidge thrashed now, but that's good roller derby karma, right? She was very grateful and it's about sisterhood, right?

I know now that I will have to slide on one knee, get up and run on my toe stops. And Jump.

I considered getting out there for a minute, but I'm glad I just watched.

Out of the 12 girls trying out, there were 2 stand-outs. When I try out, I want to be a stand-out.

But GODDAMMIT I WANTED TO BE OUT THERE!

Committed

Last night I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was a new tattoo. I was able to get in to see Amy at Tiger Lily today, and I am now a proud owner of some new, gorgeous ink. As you see to the left, I have "skate" scripted on my left inner wrist. I needed to see this every day when I'm on the treadmill or doing push-ups or skating around Oaks Park. It means so much to me in this moment. I like to capture that in ink.

I cannot say that I can recommend this spot to another human being. This hurt significantly more than my other two on my back, and those are bigger and have shading. Ow, dudes. Seriously. It hurts to type now too.

But I really, really love it. And if the skating thing doesn't work out, I cover the "s" with a pretty flower and we're left with "kate". But that won't happen. It will work out.

For the love of clipboards and new skates

I call the left skate Pinky and the right skate Tuscadero. They're fast and ready for indoor use. Being the rookie that I am, I'm getting to know more about wheels. Big Red's wheels are hearty and ready for road skating. Pinky and Tuscadero's wheels and more delicate and ridged for rink pleasure.

Oh, oh, oh! I got a couple of super nice emails from Magnet Mad Atom from the Rose City Rollers. We share a love of clipboards. She appreciated that my dorky sentence numbering. Happy, happy. I'll go to try-outs Wednesday and meet her. They're going to hold some training workshops to get ready for next year, too. I really hope that I can get involved with the events. Alter-ego Kate manages events during the day, and I think Slamazon would be a really good event manager too. Indeed.

I have a message for American Apparel. When a girl wants an XXL shirt, it usually does not mean that a girl is 5"0' and weighs 95 pounds. I ordered a rad Rat City Rollers shirt, and when I opened the package I was hysterical. Um, did I accidentally order one for a cabbage patch kid? Jesus, it was tiny. I'll make a pillow out of it or something...

I was back to the gym this morning. My hip is a little tweeked, but I was OK. I had an easy walk. I was annoyed to be up so early, so I need to get over myself. I'll work on that tomorrow.

Roller Skate Kate

When I'm not in my superhero Slamazon mode, civilians call me Kate. You can understand my excitement when I found this song on Rhapsody today.

Roller Skate Kate
by John Entwistle

I had a girl, Kate was her name
We used to roller skate together
Now it will never be the same.

Now she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone
To that great skating rink in the sky.

I remember that day
As if it were yesterday
We were skating side by side
In the fast lane on the motorway

Now she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone
To that great skating rink in the sky.

She was skating way too fast
She was far too daring
When she crashed into that truck
In a shower of ball bearings.

They took her to the hospital
But it was far too late
She died in the ambulance and
And that night, that night I
I wear my skates.

Now she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone
To that great skating rink in the sky.

I had a girl, Kate was her name
We used to roller skate together
Now it will never be the same.

Now she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone
To that great skating rink in the sky.
She's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone
To that great skating rink in the sky.

The Great Outdoors

I decided to not go the misdemeanor route to break into the abandoned high school. Early this morning Chachi and I went to meet Jenn and her super cute boyfriend over at Whitaker track. We walked a quick lap with them and headed home. I figured in its semi-abandoned state it would be a good place to strap on the skates.

Little things that I can do on skates amaze me. Well, first befuddle me then amaze me. I sat down in the grass to put on my skates. Then I realized that I had to stand up. It becomes a bit more complicated with wheels on your feet. I managed to get into a crawling position and get myself upright.

The track surface is a bit soft and challenging to skate on, but it is pretty clear of all the dangerous parking lot debris that I could run into. I stuck to one side of the track but got in some good skating. I'm getting really comfortable on them. It's becoming exponentially more comfortable each time I put them on.

I still get totally winded when I skate. I don't think the surface was helping. My shins weren't hurting as much, but I was getting out of breath really fast. Working in a different way, I suppose. I'm really glad I got out there. My confidence sky rockets every time I skate.

Get yer hands outta my mouth

Uber-crabby today. Not even conveyor belt sushi or my work gays acting out Brokeback in funny voices could break the funk.

2 hours in the dentist's chair this AM. Not horrid, just annoying, and it kind of over took the day. I tried to take a picture of my temporary bridge for y'all, but I'm not camera proficient. Who the hell really wants to see it anyway? I've already made everybody at work look. That's satisfying enough. I enjoy forcing people to look in my pie hole.

I decided to take a vacation day tomorrow just for kicks. I'm hoping to skate at the rink or maybe try to go outside to the deserted parking lot or track by my house. I wish I could break into the abandoned school across the street and skate in the gym and hallways and cafetorium. They filmed Elephant there, so I know there's many good places to skate. But apparently they arrest you for breaking and entering.

And no word from Magnet Mad Atom. I'm going with the no news is good news thing.

Try-outs on the 8th. Mother of all that is good and holy.

Oy. I just saw on the Rose City Rollers page that they are having try-outs on March 8th. Next week? My head is spinning. Do I dare try out? Is this my chance? Yikes.

I emailed Magnet Mad Atom (rad name) to inquire about future try-out opportunies. I am curious about how dorky I sounded in the email. My usual inquiries are of the business kind and my "thanks in advance" and "I look forward to hearing from you" bullshit is l-a-m-e. Holy lame cube dweller.

OK, deep breath. My life is not over. This might not be my try-out time. That's OK.

OK, my spew is done. There will be other try-outs. So not the end of the world. But I'm going to keep the beginning of this post because it will be amusing someday.

No butts about it

I'm back in the game. I went to the chiro this morning and after a little poking and prodding, I was given a go to exercise again. I'll be back to the weights training next week. I was also the happy recipient of a 20 minute single cheek butt massage. There's a lot of stuff going on down there. Bone, joint and muscle wise, that is.

Thanks to all of the people around the country who are reading the blog. My girls from Weight Watches are keeping tabs on me, along with my lovely p-town ladies and gents. Oh, I lost 4 pounds last week. Pretty cool stuff. I think it all came out of my boobs. Whatever, I'm becoming more aerodynamic.

My afore-mentioned work friend Julia told my boss about my blog. I was mildly annoyed for a moment that I might have to censor myself, but then quickly realized that I rarely censor myself at work. He's a cool dude and seemed happy, if not amused, about my derby fantasies. And if I didn't want people to read this stuff, the internet is probably not the best medium anyway. At least I won't have to explain the giant bruises and missing teeth to him when the time comes.

Speaking of missing teeth, I have a 7am dentist appointment tomorrow that will be about two hours long. Seriously, they warned me. I think it might be time to meet my new friend nitrous. I may just be capable of drooling in my keyboard tomorrow, so I'd like to apologize in advance for non-sensical posts.