New Year

I'm usually not a sap about the new year, but this year I love having a metaphorical fresh start.

It's going to be interesting because I have some major life-altering stuff pre-determined. You know, just a little surgery and 6 months of rehab. But I need to focus on the things I can control.

So, I can sit around and mope about what I can't do, or I can take charge of the things that I can do. I know that rehab is going to be a lot of work mentally and physically, and it's going to take a lot of focus. It's not optional either, because walking with a normal gait and having a strong knee is pretty much non-negotiable.

I'm also going to need to focus on getting my body the nutrients it needs to heal. In the past, it's been important, but I do feel like it's neccessary now. I want my body to be healthy and ready for surgery and to get it everything it needs to recover. I'm pretty sure that cheez-its do not aid the body in quick healing, so I'll be searching out some carrots, oranges, and squash for my orange foods.

Jesus, I have a big year ahead of me.

Today I hate

that I can't roller skate.

It's making me really, really sad.

Humbling

Before I jacked up my knee, I was doing power sets on the leg press with 200 pounds on one leg. At physical therapy this morning I was struggling to move 20 pounds. It was very, very humbling. It's also tough because I'm doing all of this work that I'm going to have to go through again after surgery. I understand that it's part of the process, but it's just difficult to know that I'll be struggling to get my strength and range of motion back again in 6 weeks.

I haven't gained any weight since I stopped skating, but I can see my body shifting shape from lack of exercise. Doughy, I think would be the best descriptor, since before at least I had a frim center surrounded by the dough. I'm going to get to the gym a few days this week to get some workouts in on the bike. It's all I can do for cardio, and I can't have much resistance or stay on very long because of the pain. I can get back to some pilates and upper body work too. Note to self: talk to trainer ASAP.

Happy Holiday

It was a lovely day full of hand made gifts, wonderful food and family, giving to our favorite charities and one spinning light up Jesus mirror.

I'm back to Physical Therapy in the morning. I knew that I would regret this 8am appointment on December 26th. I was right.

Delinquent

My blog update record is not so hot. It's been a relatively good week. I met with my new physical therapist on Tuesday. I dig her. Her treatment seems pretty dang agressive, which I really want. She had me doing squats, stairs, balance work, weights 3 days a week and on the bike 4-7 days a week. I'm so relieved to get exercising again. I'm walking around without crutches all the time now and my limp is becoming less prominent.

I've been going to a few practices a week and I'm learning how to take stats, so I can get the rest of the fresh meat team trained and ready for taking stats this season. And I went to the events meeting this week. So, for not being a skating member of the league, I'm still pretty damn busy with derby and I love it.

Compelled

I feel compelled to write, even though nothing of note is happening. Usual derby action with practices, parties, meetings and such. I meet with my new physical therapist on Tuesday. My doc wants me to do my pre-op PT at his clinic. I'm bummed that I have to leave my current PT, but want to do what my surgeon recommends. I'm off crutches for now. I'm still walking with a bit of a limp, but my doc's assistant said that there is no orthopedic reason for me to be on crutches. I just need to use them to manage pain. I had an amazing 90 minute massage on Saturday. I'm realizing how important it is to keep my body balanced and healthy to get ready for surgery and rehab.

So yeah, a whole lot of the usual. My boy is building a fire and I have 5 hats to knit before Christmas. It's the fine life of the semi-immobile...

Scheduled

I'll be having my surgery on Feburary 8th.

There is plenty of good news. My meniscus isn't torn. I'll be having a run of the mill ACL reconstruction, using my patellar tendon. I'll be able to go to NYC at the end of January for my biggest event of the year, then come back and have my surgery. I should be walking like a normal girl by that time. They might give me a brace, but I should be pretty damn mobile.

I thought I might end up getting surgery sooner than later, but my surgeon likes to wait at least 6 weeks after the injury to let the knee "calm down". The stronger I can be going into surgery, they better of I'll be for rehab. I totally buy into that. It seems so far away right now, but I know it happen really fast.

I could get the surgery in mid-January, but I'm so happy that my doc is OK with putting it off a couple of weeks so I can make my trip to NYC. And that means I'll get to see my best friend in the world Megan. I was so afraid I was going to miss seeing her.

It was a pretty tiring day, topped off with watching Fresh Meat practice tonight. The girls started scrimaging tonight and it was tough to watch. It's just really hard not being out there. And knowing that I won't be out there for a while. Thank god I have a good therapist.

Moved up

I called to get on the cancellation list for my doc for my knee check-up. My appointment was on the 19th, and I'm not so good at waiting. My impatience paid off (for once) and I have my appointment tomorrow. I'm excited and scared. Since the surgery is imminent, I just want to get it over with at this point. Wanting to get your body cut open as soon as possible seems counter intuitive. Of course, these is still the part of me that hopes for "Oh, this is all a big mistake! We loooked at the wrong MRI." Pathetic, I know, but a girl can dream.

I went to watch practice last night at our new facility. They layed down the sport court and we had our first official practice. It's really amazing. Huge place, high-ceilings. good light. And I actually moved back a row in the seating, because I was so close to the action that I was afraid that someone was going to come off the floor and run into my injured self. They are damn good seats to watch roller derby action, though.

This helps

I went to physical therapy this morning and got some pretty dang cool news. I'm ready for surgery. I have most of my range of motion back and my quad strength is good. I'm in shock. This was supposed to take a month, and I got it done in a week. I worked really hard and pushed myself through some pain this past week, and I'm damn happy about the outcome.

I managed to move my doc appointment up to the 19th, so we'll see what I says. This is very cool.

Moods

Well, that was a hell of a mood I had going yesterday and Tuesday. It started with the quad shocks and lasted for a good 36 hours. Pissy, moany, mean. For the most part, I keep it together in general, especially at work. I don't know if I'm becoming more honest or I'm just over the top emotional with my knee stuff, but I'm not holding a lot back. I'm working from home tomorrow to take a breather and get some solid work done. And to hopefully keep my job by not telling people at work and/or strangers on the street to suck it.

I talked to my trainer about my funk today. She's going to get me back on an exercise routine with upper body work and pilates. I need to keep my core strong, for sure. And to hopefully balance my mood out a bit. Me + not sweating on a regular basis = bad cycle involving many pints of Ben and Jerrys.

argh

I'm really trying to stay positive about getting better. Really, I am. But I've had a whole lot of moments the past couple of days that I've just felt like shit. WARNING: A lot of whining coming up.

I started off with physical therapy yesterday morning at 7:30am. There was good news. My knee was straightening to neutral. This is a big deal. It wasn't even coming close on Friday. But then they hooked me up to the electric charlie horse machine. I've never been so tired from just sitting there. Well, I did get my quads shocked into charlie horse mode once a minute for 15 minutes. I really should have come home, called in sick, and gone back to bed after that.

I went to the Rose City Roller merch sale last night. I did get a great zip-up hoodie. And I can't stand for very long, even with my crutch, without getting tired and my hip getting achy. It's hard going to Fresh Meat practice and seeing all of the new girls so excited and improving all the time. I just wish that was me.

And today - if ONE more person told me that I would be crazy to skate again, I was going to put a crutch where they didn't want it. I mean, there are people who genuinely know me and worry about my well being. I appreciate their concern. But the other ones... don't they think that I'm thinking about that every day? That I'm already freaking out about getting better and compounding that with worrying about injuring myself again? That I think about getting back on skates and doing what I love again every minute of the day? That I wonder if I'll ever really be good at skating anyway and wonder if it's too risky to find out? That by the time I get back on skates that it'll take me a year or more to get to where I need to be? That I doubt what my body can handle half of the time anyway, and if I'm going to continue to ignore the fact that I've sustained 2 serious injuries over the past 6 months? That it may be true that my body and the freaking universe are trying to tell me something?

Oh, and for the record... I'm ignoring the nay-sayers. I'll be back on my damn skates as soon as my doctor tells me it's a go.

Blur

I had a great weekend full of derby. On Saturday night we celebrated the opening of our new practice space. Until now, we've been practicing at 3 different locations on different nights of the week. All practices are now at our building at Oaks. Permanent. All ours. How rad is that? Our president will have her own office and we have a home. After the party, I watched derby girls take over a bar for the first time. Those poor unsuspecting hipsters. I don't think they knew what hit them.

Sunday was a practice (that included loading the sport court into the new space), some skating (which I watched longingly from the sidelines) and a league meeting. It's always cool to see details of the nuts and bolts of how the league functions, and it is stunningly functional. These ladies run a tight ship, and I'm amazed at the business savvy of the organization.

My life has been full of leg lifts, trying to bend my knee and flexing my quad. I think my leg is straightening a bit more and it's not hurting as much to flex, even though my range of motion isn't much beyond 90%. I have PT tomorrow morning at 7:30, so we'll see what they say. I'm hoping to be off my crutches soon. They're really just a little support now. I only use them with a lot of pressure when I have to stand still. I've been doing my exercises religiously, and I really hope it pays off with the ditching of the crutches.

C'mom Quad

It's so interesting how a busted knee affects the rest of your leg.

My PT exercises involve re-engaging my quad muscles, which pretty much shut themselves down when you tear your ACL. Because I've taken pilates on and off for a few years, I've gotten pretty good at isolating muscles and engaging them. When I was lying on the PT table, and I couldn't flex my left quad as much as I willed it to move. It was really, really odd. Righty kicked right in and did what I needed it to do. It's really odd to not be able to do a straight leg lift without straining and grabbing onto the table.

I did my full sets of exercises yesterday and my quad is already responding a lot better. I'm feeling stronger when I walk and do my exercises. My leg is still not straigtening all the way. My PT thinks I probably damaged my meniscus as well. They can fix that during the same surgery if need be, but it will make my recovery slightly different and may mean I'll have to do the surgery sooner than later. Walking on a bent knee is causing shearing to my meniscus, which is not such a good idea.

I am learning more about my knee than I have ever planned. Um, yay?