Bittersweet

I went to watch practice last night and I was greeted by the arrival of my new gorgeous custom skates. Wicked 265s, red leather with black stripes, aluminum plates, shearling lined tongue, buttery supple leather, and they fit like a fucking glove. Seriously, the irony was so silly. I couldn't stop shaking my head and laughing. They will be placed on the mantle until I recover. They will be amazing motivation.

It was great to go to practice last night. The support and sympathy from the girls is really amazing. I can't imagine not seeing these people a few times a week.

So, here's what I've learned over the past few days. If I want to do derby, or any sport like it, I will need to have surgery. I've come to terms with that, and it's in my head that it will happen. I'm reading as much as humanly possible about surgery and recovery.

I had my first physical therapy appointment today. I totally dig my PT. He's a friend of my trainer Britt, and from the first moment I knew I was in the right hands. We talked a lot about long term goals, the work I was willing to put in, and recovery time. He'd like to get me back on skates in 4 months and back to derby in 6. I can totally live with that. Totally and completely, and I am so ready to work. I've already done a few sets of my PT exercises that he gave me for this week.

So, here we go. One more bump, well maybe this is more like a giant pothole, in the road. I'll come out on the other end even stronger.

Torn

I have a torn ACL. All the way through. In half. Pop.

I shed some tears when the doc told me. I really had wanted to be tough, but it was a shock when he didn't think any ligament damage had been done when we talked yesterday.

But, I am officially focused on healing now. I start physical therapy as soon as possible. I work my ass off for a month, and go back for a check-up to talk about my options. Surgery is an option. Wearing a brace for sports is an option. The physical therapist told me that "some people change their life to fit their knee and some people change their knee to fit their life". I really don't plan on giving up derby. It will take longer now, but I'll do it.

On a very exciting personal note, I took my first real shower in a week today. I tell you, there is nothing like a hot shower after a week on the couch and some semi-sponge baths. I'm back to work tomorrow too. I'm going to miss hanging out with my dog and watching trash TV, but I'm ready to get back to my life.

I'll know tomorrow

I have an MRI tomorrow and a follow up appointment. My initial exam today indicated a meniscal tear. Here's the rub... I could be out for 2-4 weeks or up to 6-8 months, depending on the severity of the tear. It could be an easy 2 week rehab or I could need surgery to repair the tear.

I'm trying to stay positive and trying not to think about not being out of derby for some time. I hate to think about it, but need to be prepared for whatever news I get tomorrow.

Luckily, Vivienne Hell is driving me to the MRI (thanks, love, for offering to trek to the suburbs and wait for my long appointment) and will be there with me afterward.

Keep your skates crossed for me...

I've never been

So excited for a doctor's appointment in my life. I'll be going to a sports injury clinic tomorrow morning. Jeez, I feel like I've been waiting forever. I suppose compulsory couch surfing for 5 days makes the time pass much more slowly. And during vacation time too. Ick.

I'm ready to get back to my normal life and to start going to work and practice and just a smidge more mobility.

And to have more interesting things to write about in my blog. I'm becoming a bit of a bore.

Visiting hours for the shut-in

When I get injured, I obsess about getting better. The doc said rest and stay off my knee, so I'm not going to go anywhere but the bathroom and the kitchen until I can see a specialist. I would say I border on annoyingly cautious. That being said, I have not had fresh air since Tuesday. I've been spending day and night on the couch.

Luckily today I had a couple of visitors. Slaymate and Vivienne Hell came over to keep me company. They both did rad craft projects and I was happy to two sided conversation, since I've been talking to the dog a lot.

On the knee front, it's feeling better every day. I have less generalized pain today. I'm off the vicodin and have been sleeping better. It still hurts a little when I'm hobbling around on my crutches, but I can put a little more pressure on it. Good times.

View from the couch

End of day 3 on the couch. My world has been limited to a 10 foot path to the bathroom and an 8 foot path to the kitchen. I'm starting to get antsy, but I know I need to rest to get better. My knee is pretty damn important and I don't want to do anything to risk it.

It's been frustrating not being able to get to a doctor this week because of the holiday. I found a clinic that has walk-in sports injury hours, but they were closed today. Along with the bajillion other doctors I tried to call. So, I'll continue to take it easy until someone tells me otherwise. The swelling is down quite a bit and I believe it's a little less stiff. I'm afraid to bend it too much, so I'm not sure about the mobility at this point.

I've been having really weird dreams about injuring my knee. Anthony said I was yelping in my sleep during a nap today, and I had very vivid dreams about hurting my knee. Weird. And I wasn't even taking any vicodin...

No pants and no turkey. Yet.

Well, trying to get dressed today to go to Anth's mom's house for turkey proved futile. I was trying to get dressed and bent my knee on accident. It froze in the bent position, spasmed, and hurt like hell. I had to unbend it with my hands. Excrutiating, I tell you. Anthony and Chachi went to turkey time without me. It bums me out because I really dig his folks and hanging out with them. His mom is a hell of a cook and comfort food is her specialty. I really hope that they hurry the hell home with the left overs.

On a positive note, I'm getting around better. I can actually rest my foot on the ground when I'm hobbling around. I don't put all of my weight on it or straighten it, but I'm seeing an improvment since yesterday. I took a couple of tentative steps and it didn't hurt very much.

I've been googling the hell out of my injury, and I've decided that I sprained my MCL. We'll see if the doc agrees. I'm going to call around to a bunch of ortho places tomorrow AM to see if I can get in. I really don't want to put off the doc until Tuesday. But if Dr. Slamazon is correct, I'll be back to light activity in a week or two. And if I can get over a broken tailbone, I can sure as hell get over this.

Cripes, where are my left overs? C'MON!

Getting better

A day of rest, ice, and elevation has done wonders. Swelling is down a little and my knee is moving a bit more. I'm just happy to have some improvement. Phew!

Bad times. Well, not that bad, I suppose.

I'm in couch, knee elevated, wrapped, iced, vicodan and 800 mgs of aleve in my system.

I'm hopeful that my knee will reappear at some point. I am sad that crutches aren't as much fun as I remember from 4th grade. I'm annoyed that all orthopedic docs in the area seem to be on vacation until Monday. I'm grateful that the company that I work for has awesome insurance. I'm smiling because my doctor and my x-ray dude in the ER last night love the Rose City Rollers and wanted to talk derby. And I'm so thankful that Big Tony is the most amazing care-taker and that Chachi is happy to sit on my lap and keep me company.

Yeah, not so bad.

Ah, f*ck me again, update

Home, 2:22 am.

Nothing is broken, but I'm on crutches and vicodan. Sprain, most likely. Tendon damage, maybe. To ortho ASAP.

Ah, f*ck me

I'm sitting on the couch right now with my left leg elevated and a bag of frozen southwestern veggie blend resting on my knee. I took an ugly fall at practice tonight. My toe stop caught and my body kept going. I didn't hear anything pop or crack, just twist in a very odd direction. And my knee doesn't hurt, per se, it just feels unstable and stiff.

I'm going to get a good nights' sleep and head to urgent care in the AM. The clinic I go to has all kinds of docs on staff, so I should be able to get in to see someone who knows what they are talking about.

I've made the decision not to freak out. Frankly, after breaking my tailbone, this is nothing. On a scale of one to ten, the pain of the tailbone fracture was a 9 and this is maybe a 3. I'm going to remain optimistic. I really don't think this will keep me off my skates for very long.

Building

We had a really small turn-out at endurance practice tonight. The holidays are coming up and the travel team was just returning from Denver.

I need to figure out a way to better gauge my speed and building endurance. I wear a heart rate monitor and gather info that way, but I really would like to be able to track my progress. Some days I feel like I'm doing great, others not so much. I know a lot of it is in my head, so I'd like something tangible to rely on. I'll talk to my trainer and see what I can get worked out.

My hip was feeling much better today. It was a little tense, but not gripping up like it usually does. I felt a little more relaxed tonight overall.

I need to figure out if there is cross training that I can do to increase my endurance. I might just have to haul my cookies to the rink more.

Skate and rub down

I went to Mt. Scott today to skate with a few new girls on the fresh meat team and Judge Mental to work on some basics. Judge Mental is such a good teacher, and she's good at breaking down different pieces of strides, turns and stops. The Mt. Scott rink is tiny. And it seems even smaller when there are birthday parties going on. But there was plenty of room to practice a bunch of stuff and amuse the kids with our full gear.

After the skate I headed over for my massage. The whole hour was spent working on my back and hips, and a little into the hamstrings. My massage guy said my back was loosening up nicely, but my left hip is still a problem area. He could trace the line of the pain with his finger, all the way from my tailbone to my hip. I should be able to counteract the strain of skating with massage and strength exercises. I'll work it out.

Ready

I figured the best way to recover from last night was to pull myself up and get a training plan in place.

The work that I'm doing right now is primarily strength and endurance. In order to get my wind up for the 2 minute bursts of energy that scrimmaging requires, I'm going to start doing anaerobic training. Ideally, it would be done on skates but my trainer Britt has given me the option of using the elliptical as well. I'll get started on that at the gym tomorrow or at the rink on Saturday.

My experience last night may have been rough, but it also made me realize how lucky I am to have amazing new people in my life because of derby. I had a whole bunch of people offer me advice and support and I am so thankful for them.

It's not puppies and kittens and rainbows

I scrimmaged for the first time with the league tonight. If you're expecting sunshine and rainbows and a fairy tale ending you can stop reading right about now.

If you want to hear the truth, it was not good. Not good at all. I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to throw up the whole night. I think it may have been a combo nerves and my tailbone injury left-overs, but my left hip bone locked-down like a fucking prison riot had just broken out. I stopped every few minutes to stretch and breathe, but I couldn't get it to loosen up and the pain was pretty bad.

Scrimmage time came up. I went in the first jam with the Fresh Meat vs. the rest of the league. I kept up with the pack for about, uh, a half a damn lap. Then I lost it. All I could see was myself falling further and further behind. And all I could feel was pain in my left hip. It was really bad. I got lapped by the pack. You think that 2 minutes isn't a long time. It felt like forever when I was so far behind.

I was really embarrassed to perform like that in front of the league. And because people are so rad, everyone was telling me not to worry about it and that I did a good job for my first time and that they had been there and they wanted to quit after every practice for a while. And what do I do when people are nice to me when I'm upset? That's right, I cry. And not a cute "I just won Miss America and these are tears of joy cry", but a gross old red eyed blotchy face cry. Dammit.

So here's what happens now. I already called Chocolate Thunder, and when he gets back from Denver with the travel team we're going to start training twice a week. I am going to work my damn ass off. I officially have my worst scrimmage ever under my belt. It's only uphill from here, really. Regardless of this bad night, I love derby so much and I will not give up on it. It's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I will keep going. Word.

There is this girl

who smiles the whole time she is out on the floor scrimmaging. I went and watched the travel team practice tonight and I was watching one person who was obviously loving every minute of being out there on the floor. Smiled taking hits, smiled when she fell over, smiled when she was blocking people.

I need to approach scrimmaging with that attitude. The more fun I'm having, the faster the 2 minutes will pass and the better I'll feel. I'm so glad I saw that tonight.

I ran through my between skate days workout today. So many squats. I'm totally digging my new hip strengthening stuff with the therabands. And I seriously hate rolling on that foam cylinder thing, but I know it's going to help my hips a lot.

We have skills testing at Fresh Meat practice tomorrow night. I think I have almost everything covered, except for left foot, counter clockwise cross-overs. For that I'll need some luck or sudden grace, or a little of both.

Not my strong suit

Poor Chocolate Thunder. He tried very, very hard to teach me to get my big ass off the ground quickly tonight. This is the first time I've ever felt totally frustrated. Like my body just could not do something. I was on my knee pads, my right foot up on my toe stop, and my other leg refused to swiftly cruise through into a fluid stride. It wouldn't even drag through to a clumsy stride. OK, fine, it was pretty much frozen in place.

Then the CT lightbulb went off. Dominant leg should come through for the stride. Yep, that's it. It was clumsy and slow, but it worked. By that time, I had been up and down 50 times and I was dying. My hip was locking up and I was dripping sweat all over, so I didn't have a lot of energy to celebrate.

We came up with some strategies to help me survive scrimmaging. My heart starts racing just a little bit thinking about it, but I know I need to go out there and I think my head is ready. It's just this damn body that I need to worry about.

Hurts so good

I had a 90 minute theraputic massage today. It was more of a "let's work out the pain" than a "relax and enjoy" massage. I learned a lot about what was happening with my back and hip and why I was locking up. The muscle that is giving me trouble is the piriformis. It's deeply buried in the booty, and connected to the hip joint (see image of there). So when that sucker tightens up, it's hard to move my hip and that is a main muscle in the skating "push" motion.

I also saw my trainer today. I've been slacking on my cross training because I've been skating so much. I need to get in at least a session a week to keep my body balanced. I've also got to get in some pilates a few times a week along with my strength training. It seems like a lot, but we've worked out a good schedule.

So, I'll be continuing with massages, learned some new stretches for the perifomis, and I'm going to be rolling on a foam cylinder to loosen up some scar tissue. I'll also work on general strengh of the left hip.

It was also recommended to me that I soak in epsom salts, so I'll be doing that tonight. Good thing, because I am so sore from my massage. But in all the right places and I'm very happy.

Quickly

Fresh meat practice last night was great, as a whole. My back tweaked and I pulled a muscle in my hip. Back is usual ongoing stuff, hip is new and not a big deal. We were timed on a single lap and I did pretty dang good. I wasn't sure, but I found out tonight that I was one of the faster people. Hell yeah!

I rested tonight because of the back and hip. I went and watched practice in Gresham and again, the scrimmaging was amazing. So much to admire and to aspire to be. Now I sleep.

At least I had the weekend

I had the best skating weekend. My lesson with Chocolate Thunder on Saturday was amazing. Goodie TwoSkates came along and I had the best time. I'm really getting my cross-overs and I'm getting used to all kinds of stops.

Last night's endurance practice was my best one yet. Something clicked and I had a great practice. I kept skating the whole time and was feeling really confident on the floor. I wasn't going as fast as the rest of the team, but I far exceeded anything I was able to do before.

And tonight, I crashed and burned. I went to a team practice tonight and was horrible. The stuff that nightmares are made of. I was scared to attempt half the drills, the ones I did do were bad, and I just really beyond sucked.

I guess eventually I'll just have "off nights", but I finally had an "on" night and was hoping for more. I definitely defeated myself in my head and need to get over that. My fear got the best of me.

I'm going to file tonight away as an anomoly, and keep my chin up for tomorrow's fresh meat practice.

Despite the negative rumblings

I've know I've been stringing together some not so good days in a row. But despite my inability to participate fully in practices right now, I still love it.

I love being part of derby.
I love putting my pads on and changing my wheels and lacing on my skates.
I love those few good crossovers I've been managing to work in.
I love looking around the rink while we're doing stretching and seeing a whole lot of rad girls.
I love that I kick ass at pilates sit-ups.
I love when my ponytail is soaking with sweat after practice.
I love that my trainer believes in me and uses me as a success story.
I love the being big is a benefit and not a liability.
I love that I fell over on a corner and it didn't hurt and I got back up and kept skating.
I love that I understand the timing of blocking.
I love watching the travel team scrimmage and work so well together.
I love that I have a lesson with Chocolate Thunder tomorrow, and even though I don't feel great I'm going to go power through it despite the rain and cold.
I love that when Chocolate Thunder tells me to do something, that my body listens to my brain.
I love the great friends that I've made.
I love every girl that has told me "we all started out this way, it'll get better, the endurance will come."
I love every girl who has said to me "dang, I hope I don't have to skate against you", even when I'm not even close to keeping up with them.
I love how my legs ache in that awesome way the day after practice.
I love my mystery bruises.
I love telling anyone who will listen that I am a Rose City Roller.

Chin up

I got a little down at practice tonight. I couldn't keep up with the first couple of drills. The first one people had to lap the pack in pairs. The second one required teams to skate in a pack and call out the people behind them while looking over their shoulders. The third was a paired up blocking drill that felt great. It's going to be my strong suit, obviously.

The entire league spent the rest of the night scrimmaging the travel team. I didn't put myself in the line-up. I wanted to, but I let my worry of not being able to keep up get the best of me. I'm kind of regretting it. But I suppose that there will be plenty more practices when I will be ready.

I know I'll feel better when I'm skating with the fresh meat team and more girls at my level. I'm just getting a little tired of getting my ass handed to me. But I won't give up.